It’s Friday, January 28, 2022 in Austin, Texas
Top 10 Reasons NOT to Move To Austin
With Austin making headlines and ending up on virtually every "Top 10 Best City for..." lists -- we now have about 150 people moving here daily!! As an Austin web design company, we figured we should warn potential new residents of the hidden dangers of moving to Austin!
1) You Might Get Rabies
The Austin nighttime skies are filled with 1.5 million Mexican free-tailed bats that live underneath the Congress Avenue Bridge, and some of those bats have rabies!! It's conservatively estimated that one half of one percent of bats get rabies... do the math -- that's 7,500 rabid bats!!
Note that downed bats are likely rabid... and every year some idiot picks up an injured bat from the ground in Austin and gets bit, and inevitably wanders off without medical treatment and dies from rabies.
Wouldn't you rather stay in California than risk Austin's rabid bats that could kill almost 14% of the people who move here every day? 7500 rabid bats /(150 people x 365 days) = 13.69%. Scary!!!
2) You Might Starve
Sure the Whole Foods flagship store downtown is filled with delicious, organic, healthy food choices, but sadly you won't have money to shop there after you pay your soaring rent! Locals have always lovingly referred to our homegrown grocery empire as "Whole Paycheck" for good reason - everything is triple the price of Texas chains like HEB. Sadly, you will find that the SoCo HEB location is decidedly un-hip and slightly dirty, and definitely not up to your high California standards.
Unable to afford your restrictive vegan / paleo / raw / gluten-free / GMO-free dietary needs - you might starve here in Austin!
3) You Might Become Homeless
Alternatively you could stop paying your soaring rent and become homeless, and then you might have to resort to aggressive panhandling on "Dirty Sixth" as all the prime freeway "left turn" begging spots are already taken.
Luckily, your new home, the Austin Resource Center for the Homeless (ARCH) is conveniently located on East 7th - as the City of Austin decided that our homeless shelter should be put in the prime entertainment district downtown. That way you could live rent free and still have easy access to bars and alcohol.
4) You Might Become An Alcoholic
Yes, Austin is full of bars!! Downtown is pretty much just one bar after the other - sprinkled with a few restaurant-bars in between... but generally just bars with a taco truck parked in the alley. All events in Austin revolve around alcohol. There are at least 20 alcohol fueled events and festivals scheduled every weekend - ACL, SXSW, F1, ROT Rally, X-Games are just the beginning. During the week there are "networking" events which are really just excuses to get drunk. Even if you are playing in a sports league, you're really just there to drink. You'll be so drunk half the time in Austin, your life will go downhill rapidly due to you inability to get anything accomplished.
Unless you envision your future life in Austin as a stepping-stone to your membership in a 12 Step Program - you shouldn't move here!
5) You Might End Up Naked Without Clothing or Shoes
Ever wondered why there are so many "weird" people in Austin running/biking around in thongs or minimal clothing. Well it's "TOO HOT" here for starters...
But it's also because Highland Mall just isn't what it used to be. Once a thriving and centrally located air-conditioned mall with hip fashions back when Austin was really "cool" (like in the 1980s/90s) -- the mall now has almost no retailers and is being turned into an Austin Community College campus courtesy of recently increased property taxes.
Sadly, you wanted to buy some new kicks - but ended up enrolling in a boring calculus course instead. Shoeless, you can't navigate to Barton Creek Mall or the Domain using Austin's inefficient bus system. California's malls are much better - I hear "the Grove" is pretty nice!!
6) You Might Get Cancer
All those days spent frolicking nearly naked in the sun in 100+ degree weather with high UV rays magnified off of cold Barton Springs Pool or Lake Travis - well that's a sure fire recipe for cancerous melanoma.
Why move to Austin, when you can protect yourself from the sun's harmful rays with a peaceful blanket of California smog?
7) You Might Die Lonely and Alone
Everyone here in Austin is young, single and good looking - but they all hate to commit because of all their options with other attractive single people. It's like the whole city is matched with each other on Tinder!
This means "normal looking" people moving here will likely be lonely and die alone. No one is going to "swipe right" for you if you're not a 9 or a 10 - why should they with all the great options here?
Even if you ARE single and good looking, you're still likely to die alone, because again - no one here can commit with all the beautiful single people running around. Every guy in Austin is stuck in permanent "Peter Pan" mode, and every girl here is busy uploading Instagram pictures for maximum likes from potential suitors. Then ultimately, once you age poorly in the hot Texas sun and become an unattractive raisin of your former self, no one will want to date you anymore. So you'll end up lonely and alone regardless.
8) You Might Have to Work as a Hotel Housekeeper
Did you realize that 90% of the new jobs in Austin are to clean the rooms of all the new hotels they are building here? Thousands of new rooms for SXSW and F1 elite need tons of lowly paid employees to clean them!! That's where the eye-boggling Austin job growth statistics are coming from... and if you think you're going to find a nice place to live in East Austin with your Spanish-speaking co-workers -- think again!! Those formally affordable homes are now selling for $700K thanks to the beard-growing hipsters that arrived before you.
9) You Will Never See the Bands You Want to See
I'm sure you've heard about all those great shows with famous musicians during SXSW, right? Yes, Justin Timberlake, Garth Brooks, and Lady Gaga all had shows during the past few years at SXSW. Well sorry, unless you pony up about a $1,000 for a badge, you're not going to get to see them!! You'll be waiting outside in a long, long line that won't move at all - and they'll only let badge holders in.
Want to see your favorite band at other times of the year? Well if the band is any good, the tickets will sell out before you get them. With a few exceptions, Austin music venues are generally kind of small - and are easily filled with a weeks' worth of new residents. Your favorite band is playing inside at Red 7 -- sorry all the people that moved here in the last 3 days showed up, and it's over capacity!!! In other words, you will never see any good bands.
10) You Might Die From a Heart Attack In a Gorilla Costume
Think about how much you love Austin's famous queso and Franklin's BBQ - you'll never be able to stop eating it!! I mean who can blame you for gorging on all the fatty goodness! Then when your fit runner friends force you into some "fun-run" marathon dressed as a gorilla while people spray you with neon colors as you drink a margarita, you're sure to collapse somewhere before the finish line and die.
Do you want to die drunk in a neon splattered gorilla costume bloated with cheese and red meat in the hot Austin sun? I think not. Better to stay in California with the cool breezes and fresh ocean air.
Well if after all the warnings you still want to move here, all we can say is "Welcome to Austin" :)
If you find this article funny, please share with your friends, and comment below.